Stop the Same Fight
Attachment and Gottman Method tools for couples who keep circling back to the same argument.
- Written by Brett Larsen, MA, LPCC-S
- Grounded in Attachment theory and Gottman Method
- 18 minutes to read, tools you can use today
Couples rarely fight about the dishes. This guide explains what each of you is reaching for when you feel disconnected, then gives three Gottman exercises for starting hard conversations softly and repairing after them, the ones Brett assigns in the first weeks of couples work.
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Open the guideOr call Brett: (513) 204-9295If you keep having the same argument
- The fight has a script, and you both know your lines.
- One of you pushes to talk it through and the other goes quiet, and both of you feel alone.
- You love each other and you are exhausted.
- You have thought about counseling and worried it means something is really wrong.
Fewer fights, faster repairs, more of each other
See the pattern instead of the villain
Attachment theory explains the pursue-and-withdraw dance most couples are stuck in, and why neither of you is the problem.
Start hard conversations so they can end well
The Gottman soft start-up, with word-for-word examples for money, in-laws, chores, and intimacy.
Repair in ten minutes
A short, structured conversation for after a blow-up, so a bad night does not become a bad week.
Know what each of you is really asking for
A simple exercise that turns "you never" into a request your partner can actually say yes to.
The approach has a track record
Nothing in this guide is a hunch. It is the same Attachment theory and Gottman Method work Brett does in the room, trimmed to what you can start on your own.
In long-term observational studies, how couples handled conflict in the lab predicted with high accuracy which relationships would last. Four specific habits did most of the damage; the guide names them.
Gottman and Levenson, longitudinal studies of marital interaction, Journal of Marriage and Family, 1992 and 2000.
Stable couples maintain roughly five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. Repair attempts are what keep the ratio healthy.
Gottman, What Predicts Divorce, 1994.
Adults seek the same felt security from a partner that children seek from a caregiver, which is why disconnection triggers such strong reactions and why reconnection calms them.
Hazan and Shaver, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1987; Mikulincer and Shaver, Attachment in Adulthood, 2007.
18 minutes, start to finish
- 01
The dance: pursue, withdraw, repeat
- 02
The four habits that predict trouble, and how to catch them early
- 03
The soft start-up, with examples
- 04
What your partner is actually asking for
- 05
The ten-minute repair conversation
- 06
When to bring in a third person, and how couples sessions work
Written for people who
Are stuck but not done
Have one partner more ready than the other
Want tools to try together this week
This guide is educational and is not a substitute for counseling or medical care. If you are in crisis, call or text 988.
Brett Larsen, MA, LPCC-S
Brett has been a licensed counselor for 24+ years, holds independent licenses in clinical counseling, social work, and marriage and family therapy, and completed 3,500+ psychiatric assessments in a hospital emergency department before opening this practice. He sees adults in person in Cincinnati and by secure video across Ohio and Kentucky. The guide is written the way he talks in session: plain, practical, and without judgment.
